Why Peanut Butter is Objectively the Best Food

   First off, a big toast (get it?) to those of us who skip for Skippy, race for Reese's, know tfw no Jif, and steal Peter Pan from our local supermarkets to fuel our peanut butter addiction. We have something that we can own and enjoy. Then, there are the others.

I know a few people don't eat peanut butter, coming up with lame excuses like "I don't like the smell" or, "It makes my face irreversibly swell to the size of a pufferfish" or the ever common, "George Washington Carver killed my grandmother." And that's okay. But it doesn't matter whether or not you eat it; it remains one of the most useful foods in existence, and I have reasons beyond taste to prove it. Normally, when one constructs an argument about their favorite food and why they love it, they say something along the lines of, "It's just sooooo good because it goes down my throat slowly, but it's chewy too, and... we're talking PB&J, right?"

-It takes a very long time to expire

My grandmother lives in Far Rockaway, and when Hurricane Sandy hit her area, her building was given military-grade food to survive the surrounding floodwater. The packet included crackers, biscuits, and, most importantly, peanut butter. Why? Because peanut butter is survival food. It can live through the apocalypse. Cormac McCarthy would sometimes camp out in his room and only eat peanut butter for days on end. During one of his peanut-butter-induced hallucinations, he wrote The Road, an iconic piece of modern literature [citation needed]. Studies have shown that people who regularly eat Smucker's Hope-You-Don't-Get-Cancer brand of peanut butter have had an estimated 1% less chance of getting cancer than those who haven't eaten it [citation really needed].

-It is high in fat, protein, and carbs

Again, this ranks it high on the list of survival foods once more. These nutrients are essential to sustaining life, which puts them at the base of Maslow's Pyramid of Needs, somewhere between sex and excretion. Appetizing!



-It is very filling

Peanut butter is about 2% water content, and as the great David Choe once said, it feels like glue in your stomach. All it takes is a small amount to banish your hunger. And speaking of small quantities being very satisfying,

-It is very cheap

You can buy a 40 oz container of peanut butter for just 6 bucks. Six bucks! And that's going to last you a very long time, unless you do reckless things with it, like play Edward Fortyhands (hey, it's a 40 oz. container) with it with your college friends.

-It isn't heavily processed (sometimes)

There are very few ingredients that go into making peanut butter (news flash: it's actually not peanuts + butter). You know, it's, like, natural stuff, man. It's never killed anyone. We should legalize it. Wait, we're still talking about peanut butter?

-It's just sooooo good.

Yeah, I'm an asshole for doing that. Taste is subjective. But if it's good enough for Rufus* down there, it's good enough for me.

                                      *This dog's name is actually Jeff